Living in a dream

Decades ago, when I started work in the big city, just broken up my high school boyfriend, I thought that I might probably end up alone, in an apartment, with a cat, sipping a mug of hot tea sitting in the balcony, looking at the city light, so relaxing.

Little did I know, that years later, I did live in apartment that forbids cat, with a balcony too small to sit, I was able to stand and sip tea, but looking my neighbor window in the other apartment building, not so relaxing... 

Sometimes, dreams do come true but sometimes life also gives us unexpected things. As a person that always see the glass is half full, I always keep optimistic in whatever challenges that life throws at me and I always dream big!

Few years ago, I gave birth and desperately sad having to get back to the office when my maternity leave ends, my husband said that, now my challenge is balancing between mothering and working. As an optimist, absolutely I said "OK! I CAN DO IT" - so I am juggling working (while pumping - lucky to have a supportive environment so I can working, meeting even presenting while pumping when it's my schedule to pump) and taking care of my precious baby. Sometimes, being optimist is tiring, some days, when life is too hard, the travelling back home is too long, the assignment is too much and other unpleasant things happen - I just think, it would be better if I can quit my job, but I enjoy my work, ah, it would be perfect if I can just stay at home, while doing my work! It would be a dream job!

Little did I know, a pandemic happens in 2020 that changes our life... jeng... jeng... jeng... we work from home (WFH) mostly - 5 days a week! I am living in a dream!

At the first weeks of WFH, we were still adjusting, as optimist, things are going great, meeting is just one click away! 

But when I had no domestic assistant (we decide we didn't need assistant in 2020 before pandemic), means now I am juggling work, take care my kid basic needs (eat, poo, pee, kiss, hugs, plays, etc) and take care of the house.

I decided to be realistic, not to push, if my kid hasn't taken a shower, when it's already my meeting schedule - let it be. It the meeting is near lunch time, I have to prepare lunch while meeting - let it be. I am thankful that I have supportive colleagues and most people also WFH, so kid crying in the background is acceptable (by me at least).

But, sometimes life throws too much at me, I get angry easily (usually in the afternoon - the darker the sky gets, the darker it becomes my mood as well) the peak is when I had to take training for a certification (preparation for the test and interview), my day to day works (mountain of assignments) and kid toilet training, not a good combo - I was in a pre-test (it was 30 or 15 minutes test) and my kid had to pee and of course she did peeing next to me on the floor - this happens twice. I put on the diapers the next day, postponed the toilet training (I also want to resign and cry during my performance evaluation in front of my boss because it's too much for me to handle).

I've been living in a dream for quite sometimes, more than a year (probably more?) and I am grateful. Looking back to decisions I have made during this dreamy period, some decisions I am not proud to make and sometimes it makes me feel like I am a bad person a bad mother. But, I want to let my self know, that every decision I made, I made in the best interest of my kid at that time, given the (limited) sources that I have. I really hope I could do better, be better - you know I always try to.